Maybe I need something worth writing about

It seems most blogs talk about tv shows (LOST being my preference), or their kids or something. Well I personally would just rather read other people talking about LOST, and I don't have kids. So what does one write about when they aren't obsessed with something and don't have milestones to record?

No idea. So for now...I'm out of ideas. I'm too busy worrying about grad school and the GREs.

Oh and it's snowing so I'm thinking about moving here:

That would be Myrtle Beach.

Isn't it amazing?

Hindsight is 20/20. Yes, how typical of a phrase, and how boring. But seriously. Looking back at the past 2 months, I can finally see what God was doing. How is that my disdain for church would lead to a thirst for more of it? How is it that my desperate need for a community, but the lack of one could turn into a place i can't wait to be at? How is it that my anxieties would be calmed? All of this happened...and it happened fast. I knew God was getting my attention, I knew he wanted me to rely on him, to focus on a relationship, but i didn't know where, and i didn't really know how. I tried a little, but used "busy" as an excuse. Then gradually...i realized that my excuses were rather ridiculous. too busy? how lame.

My heart longs and eagerly runs to the Lord. I find myself always desiring to be in relationship with Him, in constant community. Sometimes I wish God were in the flesh so I could just sit and talk and talk with Him. How lucky the disciples were! How human I am for wanting something I can see...

God is amazing. He has lead me to a community where I feel wanted, loved, challenged, and excited. So many great things are happening, and I can't shake this completely ecstatic feeling I have.

I fail a lot though. My desires do not always translate into action. My actions are not always loving. I am not always pleased with what I say, or how I act. But I am learning the true value of forgiveness. Everyday I forgive myself, I ask for forgiveness, and I have to continue to forgive others. I am on a journey of wholeness and healing, and I am smiling big the whole way. There is something truly freeing about Grace and Love. I wish I had believed in it truly before, but I am happy I have accepted it now.

PS. A little advertising: If you haven't read the Shack, do it.

love is...

I fail at love so often, and each time I fail I feel miserable. I try so hard, and then I get annoyed and I say something that's not loving, or I get too easily angered, or I say something I shouldn't, or I act out selfishly. It's so frustrating to so easily be so selfish and not loving. How weak I truly am! I will truly fail if I try to love on my own. But I will continue striving for love. I will love my family, I will love Ben the way he truly deserves, I will love my friends, I will love my coworkers, and I will love even strangers, even those who do not love me. I will try. I will not always succeed, but I am learning. How badly I wish to be completely loving. How wonderful a world we would live in if this is what we all aimed for.

Weather & Attitude.

people in the south are nicer because it's usually sunny. also, it only rains off and on. sure, they have hurricanes, but they still have more sun.

people in massachusetts are jerks ("massholes") because it snows from november (sometimes october) until the middle of march (sometimes april...or may...it has snowed in june...), then it rains from mid-march until mid-june. We only see the sun from june-october. No wonder we're crabby.

I'm ready for it to be june now. I have never been so sick of massachusetts weather in my whole life.

But...I'm learning to be content right?

Well, at least it's not snowing.

Twilight has me hooked.

I have spent my last 4 days of existence completely obsessed with sparkly vampires. It's actually quite pathetic.

But I still have 2 more of the books to read, so until then I won't really be thinking about anything else.

Pick and Choose?

Do you ever hear someone quote something from Leviticus to back up their religious (and sometimes political) point? I'm sure we've all heard someone use the Bible to back up something they are trying to say. I personally have an issue when someone is willing to use Leviticus to support their standing (particularly regarding homosexuality). But recently, whenever I have called someone out on their use of Leviticus, something doesn't sit well with me. My issue is that they cannot pick and choose things from Leviticus that they decide they are going to live by, or decide to tell people they are going to hell by. I think it's wrong, and it is not the way we are to live any longer.

I wonder why I have such an issue with it, and it's because we all pick and choose. We decide to obey one thing, but go and don't obey something else. We choose to agree with one verse, or one point of view, but not another. By saying we believe in the truth of the Bible, we are supposed to obey it, but then we don't. We decide which rules to obey, and we decide this simply by disobeying.

Which leads me to another thought...

Is it possible to believe in and agree with every part of a religion?

I'm not sure it is.

What do you think?

Eat, Pray, Love.

Only about 20 or so minutes ago, I finished easily the most inspiring book I have read in a long time. I know people say things like this, but trust me, that is a big statement coming from me. I find that in any book, or any movie, I always find some way to become inspired or learn something that can change my life. Maybe it changes one thought, or the way I think about one thing, and maybe I only remember what it was that was so inspiring for only a short time. But nonetheless, I end up changed somehow. "Eat, Pray, Love." definitely changed me. Elizabeth Gilbert does a fantastic job passing on her own influence and her inspiration to her readers through her stories of her painful divorce, and her travels in Italy, India, and Indonesia.

I wanted to write some inspiring, thoughtful, and perhaps humorous reflection about the book, but I am warning you right now not to expect anything. I feel too much pressure writing in a blog that I find my thoughts become fumbled. Some people get nervous public speaking, but I just feel anxious writing in a blog. How silly.

I don't want to oversell this book, or tell you that you must rush to Barnes & Noble and spend $15 on the book, or to your local library this instant. Please don't do that. I think that when you expect too much out of things, you only end up disappointed. I expected a really good book when I bought this one, but I didn't know how inspired I would feel. So, if you read it, don't expect to be inspired, or even expect to like it. You could absolutely hate this book. I have a friend who said it was "okay". After reading it of course, I strongly disagree with her.

Now that I've read this book, I really do want to go to India. I don't want to go alone at all, but I do want to go. I want to witness these holy places, and these places of peace. But, the book doesn't just make me want to travel. I sincerely am thinking about each position Gilbert takes, and her experiences. I find them so intriguing...and inspiring. This is all of course, in a religious sense (hence "pray"). The whole book discusses prayer, God, religion, peace, balance, stability, love, and finding oneself. These are all things I now can't get out of my mind, though I don't know if I agree with everything she said. I can't allow myself to immediately dismiss something because it might not be something I've been taught, or believe in. I think it's important to actually think about something you disagree with, because how else will you know what you really believe?

For example, Gilbert finds it perfectly acceptable to pick and choose things from each religion that we may or may not like. She finds that everyone is truly seeking for God, though they might have their different ways of finding Him. I must say I find this interesting, but I'm not about to adopt it as my own. I don't like the institution of religion in itself. I think this is because I find many Christians are not truly living what they say they believe, or even speaking what they believe! Now, if you know me you know I don't like church. That is not something I will go into here. But...I do like the aspects of other religions. I wish there were more rituals in my life. I don't like rules, but I think rituals are interesting. Why not get up at 5am to pray and meditate? Gilbert herself gets up at 345am while in India (I still find this horrifying, because at one time, that's when I went to bed). I think I could get myself out of bed at 7am, and I almost want to. Sitting in utter and complete (well, not complete, as Abby is awake at that hour, and we all know she is not quiet) silence. I want to find some inner peace, and balance. I want to continue to strive for happiness, something that Gilbert states is not just a stroke of luck for us to have. We have to seek out happiness, and work for it. I like rituals. I think they provide some sort of meaning to life, and I think that many people don't have this.

For now, this ritual, this sense of balance is what I will focus on, it's what I want the most.

So, even though I said not to expect anything from this book, I think you should read it and reflect on it. Feel free to ask if you can borrow it!

Dear Customer

Dear Customer, 

I love helping you, I really do. I love it even more when I am able to help you find exactly what it is you want, or what you don't even know you want. I love the smile on your face when you've found that perfect thing. But, dear customer, there are some things I just do not like. 

I know you've had a bad day. I know that your husband didn't do that errand you asked, or your kid is throwing a tantrum. I know that you have to go to work, and I know that you are stressed. But dear customer, I too may be having a bad day. I too am a person just like you. 

Customer, please do not yell at me, or tell me that you are never shopping our store again because you do not get your way. Please do not tell me it is horrible customer service not to give you all your money back because you do not properly care for your belongings. Please do not demand things from me. I am getting paid little money to deal with your stress. Please keep your stress outside. I am a young woman, not your therapist. I am not your child, or your husband, so please keep your annoyances to yourself, and do not think you can have your way all the time. 

Customer, sometimes you make my day. But sometimes, you are just plain obnoxious.

Sincerely, 

Stefanie

Contentment

I know my last post was a little...heavy. So, in light of that I would like to write something more positive.

It has been on my heart the past couple months to learn to be content with everything (i mean everything.). Every time I find myself in a position that I don't like, or something negative is happening, my first instinct is to whine about it. I don't like it, so I complain. Each time this happens...something tugs on my heart. This tug reminds me that I need to be happy and more importantly, content no matter what is happening. I may not like what is going on, but I still need to be happy! Contentment is a wonderful thing. Without contentment, I'm sure I would fall into pessimism and I would not be able to appreciate the good things in life. So, each time I find myself in a less than ideal situation I've been challenged to think about it positively some how. I can't say I've learned this the easy way. I've even had to apologize to people (one of them being my boss...) for my discontentment. Now, some people really don't care, so they don't get why I would find it necessary to apologize. I think it is necessary. I want people to know me as a happy and content person, who is willing to find joy in every situation. So, this is something I'm working on. It is my new years' resolution so to speak (except it isn't because I don't like those).

So, join me in being happy :) There are too many grumpy people in this world! I can't tell you how many times in the past 2 days some angry old man in a pick up has cut me off and yelled at me. Seriously, this has happened more than once. I think that old men in pick ups are starting to multiply, and they're out to get me. I can't even pretend like I haven't gotten angry (I am not a nice driver, I promise you). But, today, when it happened for the 3rd time (Yes, I'm serious. 3 times), I didn't react. Apparently old men in pick ups are on a mission to do something important, and I will not mess with them!

"Don't worry. Be Happy."

Hot Topic #1

I really enjoy discussing hot topics and big issues. I don't know why, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I thoroughly enjoy learning what other people think. I'm not so concerned with sharing my opinion as much as learning about what other people's opinions are, and why they have them. But...to get a discussion going, I guess someone has to start it. I don't know if anyone will comment, but that's okay. I figured I would start with one hot topic, and maybe never write about one ever again, but we'll see.

Topic #1: The Death Penalty

Okay okay, possibly a little morbid. I admit I'm diving right in. You can blame Grey's Anatomy for this one (I admit I don't really even like the show that much anymore, but for some reason I keep watching...last night's episode and the weeks previous featured a patient on death row).

I will start off saying that I am strongly opposed to the death penalty. When I was younger (probably up until my sophomore or junior year of high school) I didn't exactly have an opinion on this topic, but I wasn't opposed to it. The more I've learned, and the more I encounter discussions about it, however, the more opposed to the death penalty I become.

Now, for the why.

People who commit heinous crimes should be punished. I am in no way saying otherwise. I think that murder, rape, etc. are evil actions and people should be held accountable for them. However, I do not think that we have the right to judge who dies and who lives. The criminal is being punished for the fact that they made the decision that someone should die. Aren't we then, by killing a killer doing the same thing? We are deciding that a murderer does not have the right to live any longer because they decided another human being didn't have that right either. This is wrong. We are taking the role of a judge that we do not have the right to take. We do not decide who lives and who dies. As human beings, we should be doing our best to preserve life wherever and whenever possible.

I understand that keeping someone in prison for life costs tax dollars, but killing someone does too. So that argument means nothing to me. I think it is far worse to live with your actions for the rest of your life then have to die. I think the death penalty is an escape from real accountability, aside from the right to choose who lives and dies.

I don't know how I would feel if someone I knew died. But I do know that I wouldn't think it was okay to kill that person. Yes, they should be held accountable, but killing them is not the way to do so. Yes, they did an evil thing (I do not think people can be evil, only their thoughts or feelings or actions. I do not believe that people start evil, nor are they evil by nature. I think there is a reason why they decide to behave in evil ways, but everyone is good at the core. This is also highly debateable, I understand that). But an evil thing is killing someone who killed. It is no more right.

Just as evil is to watch an execution. I'm aware they are on tv, and those affected by the crime can watch. I think that the viewing of someone being killed is just as wrong as killing them. How dare people think they are so above someone else that they can watch them be killed for a crime. How do those people sleep at night? I understand you might be angry, especially if it was your father/son/mother/daughter/sister/brother/friend/relative that was killed. But does that make it okay to watch someone die, wanting them to die? No.

I realize so many people could be against me on this. That is okay. Be against me! I like when people oppose my opinions, it helps me think about mine further, and teaches me something. Just don't be mean :)

And please remember I'm not condoning anything, and I'm not making it less serious. Recall that I said heinous crimes, and I truly feel that way. They are evil actions, and they must be dealt with, but not with murder.

Hello, 2009.

I guess when you have a place to write things you're supposed to reflect about the past year when a new one starts. I have spent the past few days reflecting on 2008, and one things keeps coming to mind "boy, 2008 sure was a long year". I don't know if anyone else felt that way, and I can't say I've every felt that way about any other year. Maybe it's that so much has happened in one year, and I think I've changed a lot. So with that, let's talk about the "longest" year of my life...

In 2008 I made some mistakes, and tried to find some freedom for my soul, and figure out who I am. In 2007 I found myself feeling trapped, desperate to rediscover who it is I am. With the start of 2008, I promised myself that I would get out of the "trap" I had perhaps thrown myself into, and start again. Along the way, I think I gave my heart to people/things I don't think I should have. I don't regret anything, and I definitely don't think I did anything regrettable. However, I wished I was more careful with my heart, and perhaps the heart of one of the people I love the most in this world. In 2008 I learned the value of patience, and of best friends. I learned that it's okay not to rush into something, and a good thing just might come as a surprise. I allowed myself to fall in love (okay, that's the only cheesy thing I'll say). I learned (and am still learning) how to love people, truly, and deeply. And with the end of 2008 I found I had to learn to let some things go. I left Gordon, and unfortunately that meant that I left some people who impacted my life greatly. I miss them terribly, and I don't know if they really know that. I had a great roommate who became one of my best friends. Life is busy, and with a Gordon schedule, it's hard to talk to some people (to you, Steph, and my other Gordon friends, you mean a lot, and I value your friendship!). I learned that there are some things that are just out of my control, and decisions may be made that don't make sense (and may even be wrong), but I just have to live with them. And so, I had to let go.

With the start of 2009, I vowed to leave the problems of 2008 behind. Now, there are some who like to continue to talk about problems of 2008, but I try to be silent on these things. I am trying to heal, trying to move on, and I am doing pretty well. I don't know what will happen in 2009, I just hope it doesn't seem as long as 2008 :) Time is short though, so I guess I will take what will seem like a long year. I hope to travel somewhere (anywhere, really). I hope that I am forced to rely on the One who can make me content through everything, wherever I am, no matter the circumstance. I hope to grow into a better person, a better adult. I will find time to relax (hard to do), and time to read. I wish I had read more in 2008, and so, in 2009, I will read! I don't know what to expect, but I hope this year is filled with joy (i will smile more), learning, and love.

Cheesy right?

Food for thought.

"The number one cause of atheism is Christians. Those who proclaim God with their mouths and deny Him with their lifestyles is what an unbelieving world finds simply unbelievable."

Just chew on that a little bit. It's intense.

whine whine whine

Can I just say that I'm sick and tired of the whining and complaining by McCain supporters? Honestly. It all started with a bunch of rich white people at his headquarters booing that Obama won the election in his concession speech. They're just worried they'll have to pay more taxes (still don't know how I feel about it, i think if you make more, you should pay more...but it could hurt small businesses...anyway...). The whining has continued with every Christian (yes, I'm clumping the whiners.) who voted for McCain talking about how our country is now morally going to fail, and we should follow God, blah blah blah. I am seriously tired of it. So...I have a few things to say:

1) Being a christian does not go hand in hand with being a republican, or a democrat, or whatever. Does a political party REALLY matter? It seems that Christians have this thing with being republicans...and if you happen to be a democrat, or vote for a democrat, you get some moral speech. My own father couldn't understand how I could be a christian and vote for obama, a man who is pro-choice. what does obama being pro-choice have to do with his ability to lead a nation?

2) Why are gay marriage and abortion the biggest topics for Christians when choosing a candidate? What about all the orphans in Africa because their parents are dying of aids? What about OUR poor? What about children who don't have health insurance? What about people who don't have access to a good education? Why aren't they bigger issues? There are starving children, abused and sick children, and the only thing the church seems to talk about is whether 2 gay people should be married or not. 

3) Stop believing rumors you find on the internet. Think before you believe something and just jump on the bandwagon. This goes to all of you who think Obama is a terrorist, or isn't an American...or you're threatened because he went to a muslim school, or say he's the anti-christ. Again I ask..who cares? And why would you make such accusations?

4) Can't we just recognize how incredible it is that we finally have an African-American president? This is an unbelievable time in history that our children will be reading about and remembering. Can't we all just appreciate this great time in history.

5) I think it's time to look ahead to the future. You have a new president, pay attention to what's happening to our country and stop throwing Bible verses around (specifically from Revelation) about how we're morally straying and God is warning us and the world will end. 

I think I have a lot of issues with Christians particularly on this topic. I love Jesus too, and I am embarrassed to know or be associated with people who act or speak like this. I still love people who are saying these rather absurd things, and I will of course call you friends, because politics are not the most important thing in the world. I just can't handle ignorance and rash talking. Think before you speak, and don't be ridiculous. My own cousin has said that she would end friendships with people who don't agree with her position against Obama as president? How could someone say such a thing? You would allow divide to come in your relationships with people simply because they don't politically agree with you?

I hope to raise children who are educated and aware of BOTH parties, and don't feel pressured to vote one way or another. I want them to recognize the importance of voting, and creating change in things they do not like. I would never discourage them from voting one way or another, but only encourage them to think about WHY they are choosing to vote the way they are. My dad may joke around with me about choosing Obama, but he has always encouraged me to simply vote, and made sure I understood the importance of this privilege. I guess I can't expect the same attitude out of anyone else (this has been made clear by the people around me...).

That's all. I am looking forward to a time of change in our country, and I am happy we have crossed a great boarder, and I hope the world will see our progress. I worry that people may expect to see this change right away, but what they don't realize, is that our economic situation is only going to get worse before it will get better. Obama is stepping into office with an economic crisis that he cannot resolve right away. I hope people see this, and don't throw around continual rash statements or verses from Revelation (If you quote revelation at me, I will not listen to you.).

So please, everyone. Stop the hating, the arguing, the divides. Think about why you're saying things, and make sure you don't insult people. We are so lucky to vote at all.

election day

It's finally election day. Honestly, I felt as though this day couldn't come fast enough. There has been so much hype, so much talk...and so many SNL skits. I'm sick of stupid comments about why people won't vote for a certain candidate. Can't we all be adults and just have real reasons for vote for someone? Seriously. I'm ready to hear about what the new president is actually doing, and what changes will happen to our nation. 

I strongly hope that everyone votes. Honestly, it doesn't matter who you vote for. Just vote! It's a privilege, and you should be grateful for it, and take part in it. Also, all those people who complain about the country, but don't vote...I wonder why they even speak? If you think change needs to happen, then do something about it! Vote for who you think will bring about the change you desire!

Personally, I'm voting for Barack Obama. I'm not registered with a party, and I probably never will. I don't really like the whole 2-party thing, and I also don't think being a Republican or Democrat is important at all. It's just another ridiculous label and way to categorize people that I don't have any intention in becoming a part of. My dad seems to think that voting for Obama makes me a democrat, but that's just because he'd never vote for a democrat in his life, so not voting for a republican makes me some big bad liberal (probably one of the only ways my dad and i disagree is politics). I just think that Obama will bring about the change we need, and I'd rather not have someone who's 72 years old in office, because I don't think he'll focus on what needs to be focused on.

so with that...I hope you voted, and I don't care who you voted for! Just vote! 

being the rock

The funny thing about a blog is that it's not with me all the time. Ideas always come to me when I'm driving, or doing something mundane at work that doesn't require any intelligence. Unfortunately, I don't have a laptop with me at all times. 

My dad isn't doing too well these days, and it's quite and interesting time here at the Williams' household (please don't call him saying I said he was sick and asking him if he's okay, it will seriously make him worse, though the thought is nice). I find myself in yet another position where I am not allowed to be affected by what's happening. I have to be strong and not show that I might be worried, or stressed about anything. If I mess up at all, it makes things worse. This is what happens when you're the stable one in your family and you need people to lean on you. If I miss a class, or do poorly on something, or am late for work, or I'm grumpy, or tired, all of this could just make my dad worse (I am not kidding). Therefore, all this grumpy, tired, stressed that I might be experiencing, has to just not happen right now. Honestly, I don't appreciate this position. I think it's extremely unfair, and probably very unhealthy for me (as I've been told...), but it's what has to be done right now, and it's been done in the past, and will continue to be done. Anything stressful or upsetting is saved for times when no one is around. I'm glad my family can count on me, and that me being strong for them is helpful, but can't they pick someone else?

I'm not complaining. It's just hard. But then again, I could be in my dad's position, which is obviously a million times worse. So I'll just pray for him, and put on a brave face. 

Keep him in your thoughts and prayers. But again, please don't call. :)

"i'm a mac"...

i guess i fit the whole blogging thing now. i have a mac! i'm wicked excited about it. if you think macs are too hard to use...you're wrong. and they're just...lovely. I don't know if lovely is necessarily a good adjective, but I tend to use it when i am excited about something and can't figure out any other word to use.

Fall took a long time to finally arrive, but it is now beautiful outside. I have yet to go apple picking, which would complete my autumn experience, but I'll let it slide for now. Driving through windy back roads is one of my favorite things, because I am surrounded by orange, yellow, and red leaves. I think yellow leaves might be my favorite, which I find odd. I like red when it sticks out against a neutral setting, and I love red leaves. But yellow leaves seem to pop and draw attention to them. They're awesome. There was a tree in the friendly's parking lot in holden, and all of its leaves turned yellow at the same time. It stuck out so much, and when I drove by it, I always wished I could take a picture. Unfortunately, I could not safely drive in holden traffic and take a picture of a beautiful tree, so I didn't take one. If i did, i would definitely post it. maybe next year...

"Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one come to you without leaving happier"

and so it begins...

Normally when I think of blogging, I picture someone wearing plastic framed glasses (you know, those thicker, artsy kinds?), sitting at a table in starbucks on their mac. They're wearing some chic outfit listening to music no one has heard of, writing about...i don't even know. That's why I've avoided this for so long. I felt like I didn't really qualify for this kind of blogging world. But...I have plastic rimmed glasses, and I like starbucks and chic outfits, and i like some music no one has heard of (okay, a few people have), so I guess I qualify. I would like a mac to go with all of this, but that of course is just a dream.

I doubt this will be anything interesting, but i'll try to keep it relatively entertaining, and hopefully I'll keep most of my deep thoughts to myself (yes, they happen regularly...life gets boring, so i think). Enjoy....or don't :)



I don't particularly have anything else to say today, except that my manager keeps coming to work grumpy and i don't like getting scolded for things that are someone else's fault. My car has also taken a week to get fixed, just for brackets being broken. My dad's car get's 15.6 mpg (that is exact...it has this thing that tells me...his car is wicked high tech). Mine gets about 30. Which one would you rather drive everyday?