Isn't it amazing?

Hindsight is 20/20. Yes, how typical of a phrase, and how boring. But seriously. Looking back at the past 2 months, I can finally see what God was doing. How is that my disdain for church would lead to a thirst for more of it? How is it that my desperate need for a community, but the lack of one could turn into a place i can't wait to be at? How is it that my anxieties would be calmed? All of this happened...and it happened fast. I knew God was getting my attention, I knew he wanted me to rely on him, to focus on a relationship, but i didn't know where, and i didn't really know how. I tried a little, but used "busy" as an excuse. Then gradually...i realized that my excuses were rather ridiculous. too busy? how lame.

My heart longs and eagerly runs to the Lord. I find myself always desiring to be in relationship with Him, in constant community. Sometimes I wish God were in the flesh so I could just sit and talk and talk with Him. How lucky the disciples were! How human I am for wanting something I can see...

God is amazing. He has lead me to a community where I feel wanted, loved, challenged, and excited. So many great things are happening, and I can't shake this completely ecstatic feeling I have.

I fail a lot though. My desires do not always translate into action. My actions are not always loving. I am not always pleased with what I say, or how I act. But I am learning the true value of forgiveness. Everyday I forgive myself, I ask for forgiveness, and I have to continue to forgive others. I am on a journey of wholeness and healing, and I am smiling big the whole way. There is something truly freeing about Grace and Love. I wish I had believed in it truly before, but I am happy I have accepted it now.

PS. A little advertising: If you haven't read the Shack, do it.

love is...

I fail at love so often, and each time I fail I feel miserable. I try so hard, and then I get annoyed and I say something that's not loving, or I get too easily angered, or I say something I shouldn't, or I act out selfishly. It's so frustrating to so easily be so selfish and not loving. How weak I truly am! I will truly fail if I try to love on my own. But I will continue striving for love. I will love my family, I will love Ben the way he truly deserves, I will love my friends, I will love my coworkers, and I will love even strangers, even those who do not love me. I will try. I will not always succeed, but I am learning. How badly I wish to be completely loving. How wonderful a world we would live in if this is what we all aimed for.

Weather & Attitude.

people in the south are nicer because it's usually sunny. also, it only rains off and on. sure, they have hurricanes, but they still have more sun.

people in massachusetts are jerks ("massholes") because it snows from november (sometimes october) until the middle of march (sometimes april...or may...it has snowed in june...), then it rains from mid-march until mid-june. We only see the sun from june-october. No wonder we're crabby.

I'm ready for it to be june now. I have never been so sick of massachusetts weather in my whole life.

But...I'm learning to be content right?

Well, at least it's not snowing.

Twilight has me hooked.

I have spent my last 4 days of existence completely obsessed with sparkly vampires. It's actually quite pathetic.

But I still have 2 more of the books to read, so until then I won't really be thinking about anything else.

Pick and Choose?

Do you ever hear someone quote something from Leviticus to back up their religious (and sometimes political) point? I'm sure we've all heard someone use the Bible to back up something they are trying to say. I personally have an issue when someone is willing to use Leviticus to support their standing (particularly regarding homosexuality). But recently, whenever I have called someone out on their use of Leviticus, something doesn't sit well with me. My issue is that they cannot pick and choose things from Leviticus that they decide they are going to live by, or decide to tell people they are going to hell by. I think it's wrong, and it is not the way we are to live any longer.

I wonder why I have such an issue with it, and it's because we all pick and choose. We decide to obey one thing, but go and don't obey something else. We choose to agree with one verse, or one point of view, but not another. By saying we believe in the truth of the Bible, we are supposed to obey it, but then we don't. We decide which rules to obey, and we decide this simply by disobeying.

Which leads me to another thought...

Is it possible to believe in and agree with every part of a religion?

I'm not sure it is.

What do you think?

Eat, Pray, Love.

Only about 20 or so minutes ago, I finished easily the most inspiring book I have read in a long time. I know people say things like this, but trust me, that is a big statement coming from me. I find that in any book, or any movie, I always find some way to become inspired or learn something that can change my life. Maybe it changes one thought, or the way I think about one thing, and maybe I only remember what it was that was so inspiring for only a short time. But nonetheless, I end up changed somehow. "Eat, Pray, Love." definitely changed me. Elizabeth Gilbert does a fantastic job passing on her own influence and her inspiration to her readers through her stories of her painful divorce, and her travels in Italy, India, and Indonesia.

I wanted to write some inspiring, thoughtful, and perhaps humorous reflection about the book, but I am warning you right now not to expect anything. I feel too much pressure writing in a blog that I find my thoughts become fumbled. Some people get nervous public speaking, but I just feel anxious writing in a blog. How silly.

I don't want to oversell this book, or tell you that you must rush to Barnes & Noble and spend $15 on the book, or to your local library this instant. Please don't do that. I think that when you expect too much out of things, you only end up disappointed. I expected a really good book when I bought this one, but I didn't know how inspired I would feel. So, if you read it, don't expect to be inspired, or even expect to like it. You could absolutely hate this book. I have a friend who said it was "okay". After reading it of course, I strongly disagree with her.

Now that I've read this book, I really do want to go to India. I don't want to go alone at all, but I do want to go. I want to witness these holy places, and these places of peace. But, the book doesn't just make me want to travel. I sincerely am thinking about each position Gilbert takes, and her experiences. I find them so intriguing...and inspiring. This is all of course, in a religious sense (hence "pray"). The whole book discusses prayer, God, religion, peace, balance, stability, love, and finding oneself. These are all things I now can't get out of my mind, though I don't know if I agree with everything she said. I can't allow myself to immediately dismiss something because it might not be something I've been taught, or believe in. I think it's important to actually think about something you disagree with, because how else will you know what you really believe?

For example, Gilbert finds it perfectly acceptable to pick and choose things from each religion that we may or may not like. She finds that everyone is truly seeking for God, though they might have their different ways of finding Him. I must say I find this interesting, but I'm not about to adopt it as my own. I don't like the institution of religion in itself. I think this is because I find many Christians are not truly living what they say they believe, or even speaking what they believe! Now, if you know me you know I don't like church. That is not something I will go into here. But...I do like the aspects of other religions. I wish there were more rituals in my life. I don't like rules, but I think rituals are interesting. Why not get up at 5am to pray and meditate? Gilbert herself gets up at 345am while in India (I still find this horrifying, because at one time, that's when I went to bed). I think I could get myself out of bed at 7am, and I almost want to. Sitting in utter and complete (well, not complete, as Abby is awake at that hour, and we all know she is not quiet) silence. I want to find some inner peace, and balance. I want to continue to strive for happiness, something that Gilbert states is not just a stroke of luck for us to have. We have to seek out happiness, and work for it. I like rituals. I think they provide some sort of meaning to life, and I think that many people don't have this.

For now, this ritual, this sense of balance is what I will focus on, it's what I want the most.

So, even though I said not to expect anything from this book, I think you should read it and reflect on it. Feel free to ask if you can borrow it!

Dear Customer

Dear Customer, 

I love helping you, I really do. I love it even more when I am able to help you find exactly what it is you want, or what you don't even know you want. I love the smile on your face when you've found that perfect thing. But, dear customer, there are some things I just do not like. 

I know you've had a bad day. I know that your husband didn't do that errand you asked, or your kid is throwing a tantrum. I know that you have to go to work, and I know that you are stressed. But dear customer, I too may be having a bad day. I too am a person just like you. 

Customer, please do not yell at me, or tell me that you are never shopping our store again because you do not get your way. Please do not tell me it is horrible customer service not to give you all your money back because you do not properly care for your belongings. Please do not demand things from me. I am getting paid little money to deal with your stress. Please keep your stress outside. I am a young woman, not your therapist. I am not your child, or your husband, so please keep your annoyances to yourself, and do not think you can have your way all the time. 

Customer, sometimes you make my day. But sometimes, you are just plain obnoxious.

Sincerely, 

Stefanie

Contentment

I know my last post was a little...heavy. So, in light of that I would like to write something more positive.

It has been on my heart the past couple months to learn to be content with everything (i mean everything.). Every time I find myself in a position that I don't like, or something negative is happening, my first instinct is to whine about it. I don't like it, so I complain. Each time this happens...something tugs on my heart. This tug reminds me that I need to be happy and more importantly, content no matter what is happening. I may not like what is going on, but I still need to be happy! Contentment is a wonderful thing. Without contentment, I'm sure I would fall into pessimism and I would not be able to appreciate the good things in life. So, each time I find myself in a less than ideal situation I've been challenged to think about it positively some how. I can't say I've learned this the easy way. I've even had to apologize to people (one of them being my boss...) for my discontentment. Now, some people really don't care, so they don't get why I would find it necessary to apologize. I think it is necessary. I want people to know me as a happy and content person, who is willing to find joy in every situation. So, this is something I'm working on. It is my new years' resolution so to speak (except it isn't because I don't like those).

So, join me in being happy :) There are too many grumpy people in this world! I can't tell you how many times in the past 2 days some angry old man in a pick up has cut me off and yelled at me. Seriously, this has happened more than once. I think that old men in pick ups are starting to multiply, and they're out to get me. I can't even pretend like I haven't gotten angry (I am not a nice driver, I promise you). But, today, when it happened for the 3rd time (Yes, I'm serious. 3 times), I didn't react. Apparently old men in pick ups are on a mission to do something important, and I will not mess with them!

"Don't worry. Be Happy."

Hot Topic #1

I really enjoy discussing hot topics and big issues. I don't know why, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I thoroughly enjoy learning what other people think. I'm not so concerned with sharing my opinion as much as learning about what other people's opinions are, and why they have them. But...to get a discussion going, I guess someone has to start it. I don't know if anyone will comment, but that's okay. I figured I would start with one hot topic, and maybe never write about one ever again, but we'll see.

Topic #1: The Death Penalty

Okay okay, possibly a little morbid. I admit I'm diving right in. You can blame Grey's Anatomy for this one (I admit I don't really even like the show that much anymore, but for some reason I keep watching...last night's episode and the weeks previous featured a patient on death row).

I will start off saying that I am strongly opposed to the death penalty. When I was younger (probably up until my sophomore or junior year of high school) I didn't exactly have an opinion on this topic, but I wasn't opposed to it. The more I've learned, and the more I encounter discussions about it, however, the more opposed to the death penalty I become.

Now, for the why.

People who commit heinous crimes should be punished. I am in no way saying otherwise. I think that murder, rape, etc. are evil actions and people should be held accountable for them. However, I do not think that we have the right to judge who dies and who lives. The criminal is being punished for the fact that they made the decision that someone should die. Aren't we then, by killing a killer doing the same thing? We are deciding that a murderer does not have the right to live any longer because they decided another human being didn't have that right either. This is wrong. We are taking the role of a judge that we do not have the right to take. We do not decide who lives and who dies. As human beings, we should be doing our best to preserve life wherever and whenever possible.

I understand that keeping someone in prison for life costs tax dollars, but killing someone does too. So that argument means nothing to me. I think it is far worse to live with your actions for the rest of your life then have to die. I think the death penalty is an escape from real accountability, aside from the right to choose who lives and dies.

I don't know how I would feel if someone I knew died. But I do know that I wouldn't think it was okay to kill that person. Yes, they should be held accountable, but killing them is not the way to do so. Yes, they did an evil thing (I do not think people can be evil, only their thoughts or feelings or actions. I do not believe that people start evil, nor are they evil by nature. I think there is a reason why they decide to behave in evil ways, but everyone is good at the core. This is also highly debateable, I understand that). But an evil thing is killing someone who killed. It is no more right.

Just as evil is to watch an execution. I'm aware they are on tv, and those affected by the crime can watch. I think that the viewing of someone being killed is just as wrong as killing them. How dare people think they are so above someone else that they can watch them be killed for a crime. How do those people sleep at night? I understand you might be angry, especially if it was your father/son/mother/daughter/sister/brother/friend/relative that was killed. But does that make it okay to watch someone die, wanting them to die? No.

I realize so many people could be against me on this. That is okay. Be against me! I like when people oppose my opinions, it helps me think about mine further, and teaches me something. Just don't be mean :)

And please remember I'm not condoning anything, and I'm not making it less serious. Recall that I said heinous crimes, and I truly feel that way. They are evil actions, and they must be dealt with, but not with murder.

Hello, 2009.

I guess when you have a place to write things you're supposed to reflect about the past year when a new one starts. I have spent the past few days reflecting on 2008, and one things keeps coming to mind "boy, 2008 sure was a long year". I don't know if anyone else felt that way, and I can't say I've every felt that way about any other year. Maybe it's that so much has happened in one year, and I think I've changed a lot. So with that, let's talk about the "longest" year of my life...

In 2008 I made some mistakes, and tried to find some freedom for my soul, and figure out who I am. In 2007 I found myself feeling trapped, desperate to rediscover who it is I am. With the start of 2008, I promised myself that I would get out of the "trap" I had perhaps thrown myself into, and start again. Along the way, I think I gave my heart to people/things I don't think I should have. I don't regret anything, and I definitely don't think I did anything regrettable. However, I wished I was more careful with my heart, and perhaps the heart of one of the people I love the most in this world. In 2008 I learned the value of patience, and of best friends. I learned that it's okay not to rush into something, and a good thing just might come as a surprise. I allowed myself to fall in love (okay, that's the only cheesy thing I'll say). I learned (and am still learning) how to love people, truly, and deeply. And with the end of 2008 I found I had to learn to let some things go. I left Gordon, and unfortunately that meant that I left some people who impacted my life greatly. I miss them terribly, and I don't know if they really know that. I had a great roommate who became one of my best friends. Life is busy, and with a Gordon schedule, it's hard to talk to some people (to you, Steph, and my other Gordon friends, you mean a lot, and I value your friendship!). I learned that there are some things that are just out of my control, and decisions may be made that don't make sense (and may even be wrong), but I just have to live with them. And so, I had to let go.

With the start of 2009, I vowed to leave the problems of 2008 behind. Now, there are some who like to continue to talk about problems of 2008, but I try to be silent on these things. I am trying to heal, trying to move on, and I am doing pretty well. I don't know what will happen in 2009, I just hope it doesn't seem as long as 2008 :) Time is short though, so I guess I will take what will seem like a long year. I hope to travel somewhere (anywhere, really). I hope that I am forced to rely on the One who can make me content through everything, wherever I am, no matter the circumstance. I hope to grow into a better person, a better adult. I will find time to relax (hard to do), and time to read. I wish I had read more in 2008, and so, in 2009, I will read! I don't know what to expect, but I hope this year is filled with joy (i will smile more), learning, and love.

Cheesy right?